Socialist Horoscopes: Your Advice For This Libra Season

The symbol associated with Libra is the scales, which represent justice, balance, and fairness. As leftists, these things are important to us and what we believe in, which makes this season perfect for the work we do.

By Princess Patoine


Aries – Don’t doubt yourself, Aries. With some practice, you will soon be able to write the perfect diss track about your anti-vax sister.

Taurus – Take a step back, Taurus. Make some time to do things you really enjoy, like painting, reading, or training a parrot to call your cop neighbor a “pig-faced bastard”.

Gemini – It seems like you could use some entertainment, Gemini. The next time a conservative man starts an argument with you, just tell him he’s being too emotional and watch him completely lose his shit.

Cancer – It’s time to take matters into your own hands, Cancer. The government isn’t going to take action against climate change. You have to assume the responsibility and repair the ozone layer with duct-tape. It won’t hold forever, but it might buy us some time.

Leo – Make your choice, Leo. Are you going to boost people’s mutual aid funds, or are you going to be a loser? You have 30 seconds.

Virgo – There is no time to waste, Virgo. The socialist initiation ritual is starting soon, are you ready to kill your first nazi?

Libra – It’s your time to shine, Libra! Dazzle the masses by sticking it to the bourgeoisie. Show up to an event full of the disgustingly wealthy wearing a statement piece with an anti-rich slogan. #girlboss

Scorpio – Do you feel that, Scorpio? It’s the feeling of dread. Something horrible is approaching. Something foul, something that feels neither sympathy or empathy. Something that- oh. It’s just Jeff Bezos.

Sagittarius – Think before you act, Sagittarius. Do you really think it’s necessary to summon the spirit of Marx to read theory to you instead of just reading it yourself?

Capricorn – Brace yourself, Capricorn. Leftists have started forcibly vaccinating everyone from children to elders. It’s only a matter of time before they get to- *muffled screaming*

Aquarius – You know what you have to do, Aquarius. It isn’t a pleasant task, but it’s a necessary one. You’re going to have to register as a Democrat if you want to vote in local elections.

Pisces – Put your words into action, Pisces. If you say you’re going to take a shit on your landlord’s doorstep, you better do it.

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