Socialist Horoscopes: How to Make the Most of This Virgo Season

Virgo season is a time for planning, productivity, and focusing on the details. It is also, like every season, a time to make waves and create change.

By Princess Patoine


Aries – It’s time for a wake-up call, Aries. You need to let your uncle know that, while they make good music, posting System of a Down songs on Facebook is actually not a form of activism.

Taurus – You need to stand your ground, Taurus. If your boss refuses to give you paid time off, fuck their wife.

Gemini – Now is not the time to give up, Gemini. If you try hard enough, eventually you can bully your dad into tipping food service workers.

Cancer – It seems like you need a break, Cancer. Take the day off to start a Twitter argument with a Libertarian. You’ve earned it.

Leo – Your time in the spotlight has come to an end, Leo. Don’t worry, you can still manage to capture everyone’s attention by getting your friends together and radicalizing them.

Virgo – It’s your season, Virgo! With all eyes on you now, you might feel the need to do something big and important, but one person can’t do it all. Collective action is the most effective way to get things done. Gather your comrades and tear down that Christopher Columbus statue, as a team. ❤

Libra – Every day might seem the same to you, Libra. Why not spice it up? Find your nearest billionaire and punch them right in the mouth.

Scorpio – Direct your anger into something productive, Scorpio. Join DSA and become an active member of your local chapter. There’s something for everyone.

Sagittarius – The time has come for a new project, Sagittarius. Tap into your artistic abilities and paint a detailed phallus on the door of your racist grandmother’s garage.

Capricorn – “Hard working” is your middle name, Capricorn. Reward yourself for your efforts by heckling a local right-wing politician at Walmart.

Aquarius – Time is running out, Aquarius. You need to hurry up and renew your ANTIFA membership before it’s too late. Seriously, we’re waiting.

Pisces – Something needs to change, Pisces. Influence your local representatives to make that change by sending them a message via raven to highlight the importance of pressing issues, while simultaneously making them fear you. They shall not refuse.

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